In the UK, two gay Dads have struck out criticisms from strangers who stare at them and their kids when they go out.
Michael Johnson-Ellis, 42, a freelance blogger, and Wes Johnson-Ellis, 43, runs a not-for-profit organization co-founded by the couple called My Surrogacy Journey.
The couple from Worcestershire met in 2012 and has since longed to have children together. They started their journey to parenthood through private surrogacy in 2013.
Surrogacy is an arrangement whereby a woman (the surrogate mother) agrees to bear a child for another person, who will become the child’s parent after birth.
The pair tied the knot in Walcot Hall, Shropshire, in August 2014 and had their daughter Talulah through a surrogate in October 2016. In August 2019, they had their son Duke through the same surrogate.
The proud gay parents say they feel separated in parenthood because of insensitive comments from strangers.
“Everyone is hyper-aware of what we are doing with our children as if we don’t know how to look after them,” Michael told Daily Mail. “They constantly ask us about who the “real” dad is in front of our kids.”
Meeting at Birmingham Pride in June 2012, Michael and Wes were immediately infatuated and just six months into their relationship the couple started talking about having children.
“Wes already has a 16-year-old daughter from a previous relationship,” Michael said. “We both love kids, and I’ve always wanted to be a dad. We discussed our options and we both decided surrogacy was the best route for us as we wanted to be biologically related to our children.”
“But it was a hard journey – surrogacy in the UK is a hard process especially when you are two men,” Michael explained. “We have to source everything – from the clinic, surrogate, to even your egg donor. It was tough doing it all by ourselves but in hindsight, it was brilliant because it led us to where we are today.”
Things get more complicated when they told people that they were trying for a child by way of surrogacy for they repeatedly encountered tough questioning before the process had even begun.
“People would ask why aren’t we adopting. I always thought, “Well why aren’t you?”, he said. “I think it’s ok to say that you want biological children as a same-sex couple. You want that link, you want to experience the pregnancy and be there when the baby is born.”
In time, the couple found an egg donor and their surrogate, Caroline.
“The judgment began even before our daughter Talulah was born,” he said. “I remember walking into the waiting room for our 12-week scan with the surrogate.”
“All the people in the waiting room just stopped and stared at us,” Michael recalled. “It was like the room fell silent.”
The gay dad’s first daughter together, Talulah, was born in October 2016.
“As soon as Talulah was born, she was placed in our arms,” he said. “It was just the most amazing experience – I couldn’t stop crying, it was so overwhelming.”
But after the birth, the pair’s experiences became more intense.
“I think everything is so mom-centric,” Michael said. “We’d take Talulah out and people would ask us if we were giving mom a break. We’d just go along with it and say “yeah we are” so we could move on.”
He also claimed that some women would approach them to offer unwelcome advice and it made him feel frustrated.
When Duke was born in August 2019, Michael claims there was even more judgment.
“People come up to us daily and ask who the “real” dad is to Talulah and Duke,” Michael said. “I don’t understand why everyone is so interested in our sperm.”
Michael admits that he didn’t know how to respond when questioned like this and says that they even try to explain that they are both their dads but he thinks people just shouldn’t care about which child is biologically related to who.
“I also think it’s rude to ask people about sperm, especially if they are a stranger in the street,” he added. “I feel like if it doesn’t affect you, then why ask?”
The couple is also worried about how stranger’s statements could affect their children as they grow older.
But fortunately, the couple has found a large community of same-sex parents on Instagram. The gay dads started TwoDadsUK in January 2017 as an Instagram account and made it into a blog in the summer of 2017.
In February, the couple launched their not-for-profit organization My Surrogacy Journey, which supports parents going through independent surrogacy.
The pair are supporting a #lovedontjudge campaign by the C&G Baby Club that aims to tackle parental criticisms after a study of 2000 parents of kids up to the age of eight revealed same-sex couples received double the judgment of straight parenting couples.
“Everything is aimed at moms and I think dads get a hard time when caring for their kids,” Michael said. “We want the same for our kids as anybody else. We want the best for them and will always do the best for them.”