Neil Harrison, 49, is a combat veteran who has seen service in the Gulf, Bosnia, Cyprus, and Northern Island throughout his 25 years in the Royal Artillery.
He got through those campaigns relatively unscathed but ironically enough, developed PTSD as a casualty visiting officer, the one tasked to care for the families of slain or injured soldiers.
What got to Neil was the guilt of being safe at home while his colleagues were the ones who were killed or injured.
Watch the video of his story below.
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Video credit: Rumble
It got to the point that Neil, a graduate of the grueling Commando course, couldn’t even leave the house and would spend days crying. After being diagnosed with Vicarious PTSD, he left the Army.
But thanks to the help of The Royal British Legion, Neil eventually recovered and is now an advocate for the Legion and tries to get support for the organization during its annual Poppy Appeal.
Neil, from Market Drayton, Shrops, said: “I had the world on my shoulders. I felt like I had failed and let the lads down.
“I was trying my best for people, but I was stuck between the army and dealing with the family of a wounded soldier. The family would blame me for their problems and I had no one to turn to.
“I had no training for the job, I was thrown in at the deep end and told to get on with it.
“I thought I was up to it at the beginning. It was very hard, I was dealing with people at the end of their tether.
“I really struggled and the Legion was a real lifeline. I want everyone in the services but also in the civilian world to know what an amazing job they do.”
Aside from his duties as a transport officer, Neil also worked with the families of the wounded soldiers. This would often take him away from his wife and two children for long periods.
The isolation and the trauma of witnessing the grief of those left behind eventually led to anxiety attacks that would leave him shaking. Neil came close to a full breakdown after attending the funeral of an officer in the same regiment he was in.
He said: “I had one week which was fairly relaxed and I started to get shakes in my hands on the Monday.
“By the Friday I couldn’t take it, my anxiety went completely out of control and I was sent home.
“The lowest point was at that funeral, a colleague in the same regiment. I remember meeting the guys at the funeral but I felt that I just couldn’t be there.
“I felt guilty because I was in the UK and my peers and friends were in Afghanistan and I was stuck here. I was also conscious though that I had an important job to do.
“My job was to support the families of those who’d been injured or killed. I was the point of contact between the family and the army for anything they needed.
“When I was told that one of the soldiers I was looking after had a severe head injury that was terrible. His wife and I were told that when he’d wake up he wouldn’t recognize us, that was hard.”
Following his PTSD diagnosis, Neil was sent home.
He said: “I remember when I was sent home. I felt really guilty and that everyone was looking at me saying I was a failure. I went from working long hours with lots of responsibility for being sat on a sofa at home.
“The army sent me home and no one spoke to me. The longer I sat there the worse I felt.”
The Royal British Legion runs Battle Back Centre, a sports and adventure facility meant for injured, sick or wounded veterans, and Neil was recommended to attend a course there that turned his life around.
Finally, he could open up about his problems with other service personnel who also faced the same challenges.
He said: “They were so empathetic and understood everything that I had been through, every time I got anxious they’d sit with me and calm me down.
“Once I was in the system, they looked after me, they wrapped themselves around me and supported me constantly.
“I was on a spiral down into further and further depression before going to the Battle Back center as part of my recovery program.
“I can truly say that the course was a turning point in my life – helping me to realize that any of the negative thoughts I had about myself weren’t true and that I had developed a type of illness as a result of my service.”
“I felt like I had failed everyone before going to Battle Back, but the team there made me realize I was not to blame.
“Having the opportunity to go to Battle Back not only helped me, and improved my quality of life, but helped my family, who had previously been so worried about my mental and physical well being.”
Susan, Neil’s wife, also credits the Battle Back course for turning Neil around.
She said: “At first I didn’t really notice as he was away anyway during the week. As time went on he had to deal with more and more.
“I don’t think he’ll ever be the same as he was having dealt with what he’s dealt with but the legion has helped him no end.”
Once Remembrance Day arrives, Neil will be remembering all the colleagues and friends he has lost.
He said: “When I left the army I felt very guilty every remembrance day. Last year I went to a service and wore my medals for the first time since leaving. I felt very proud but also conscious of the people we’ve lost.
“This year I’ll be thinking of them all as the clock strikes 11.”
Replaced!